DO NOT leave her disappointed

Thursday, 13 March 2014 11:58

Nicola Stone emailed with a simple message: 

"Give her wonderful hours of pleasure"

[Presumably Nicola, the link you invited me to open is a downloadable garden centre voucher?]

Notice to appear in court OZ#2769

Tuesday, 11 March 2014 10:26


Maybe I would have taken the "Notice to Appear" I received this morning from L.McNamara, a little more seriously, had he or she not sent it from a Yahoo email address. 

Call me an old cynic, but am thinking the Great British justice system can stretch to their own email extension. Bangtorights.co.uk or Youaregoingdownforalongstretchmylad.com. 

But no, they have chosen Yahoo.com to send the following notice: 

Hereby you are notified that you have been scheduled to appear for your hearing that will take place in the court of London in March 15, 2014 at 10:00 am.

[The court of London, eh?  You need to narrow it down a bit. Maybe an address would be handy? 

Otherwise I could find myself trotting along to the Royal Courts of Justice in Fleet Street, when you are all sitting twiddling your thumbs, waiting for me to arrive in Highbury Magistrates Court or The London Court of International Arbitration, or at the Rolls Building for the Technology and Construction Court.  

You see, L.McNamara, Clerk to the unspecified Court, unsurprisingly, there are quite a few judicial institutions littering our fair city, so you probably should have Googled them before sending your summons. Or in your case "Yahoo'd 'em.] 

[And unless I am much mistaken, March the 15th is a Saturday, so I'm afraid I have already scheduled a nice long lie-in and a trip to the garden centre, followed by a pub lunch, so am unable to attend]

Please bring all documents and witnesses relating to this case with you to Court on your hearing date. 

[I can print off a copy of your email if that helps?]

The copy of the court notice is attached to this letter. 
Please, read it thoroughly. 

[Um, that would be the dodgy looking .zip file you sent me?]

Note: If you do not attend the hearing the judge may hear the case in your absence. 
Yours truly, 
L.McNamara 
Clerk to the Court.

[GUILTY! Am sure of it. Whatever it is I am supposed to have done. Even my own Mother thinks I look a bit shifty.] 

Take Action

Wednesday, 26 Feb 2014 20:19:24

Tonight I received this incredibly urgent message from Paypal, a site I use regularly, which requires me to Take Action. 

"Account status update: Confirm information provided when you created your account."

"Response Required: Upon receipt."

[Ok, no problem, will do.... I do after all, have the intelligence of a brain damaged amoeba plankton and will happily hand my bank details to any passing slimeball who emails me, twenty times a day, under the imaginative guise of being from Paypal.]

"Log in to PayPal to resolve a limitation on your account."

[Doing it right now, obviously. Would hate to go through life with a limitation on my account. It might put a damper on the unusual activities you are about to suggest I have.]

"Recently, there's been activity in your PayPal account that seems unusual compared to your normal account activities. Please log in to PayPal to confirm your identity and update security questions."

[Yep, here we go.] 

[I will happily admit I have purchased two pairs of XXL men's olive green woolly thermal walking socks - I might be a girly but I have enormous flipper feet which get very cold in the Winter months. Ten vintage wine box ends, a jumbo bottle of Omega-3 Icelandic fish oil, and a Baby Clanger outfit, complete with blue string handbag.

So, just your usual bits and bobs.]

[Oh yes, and of course, I forgot, I did buy Pershore Rugby Football Club, (see previous post) after my mate Tim emailed at silly o'clock in the morning last week, to advise me of the investment potential, and yet now I'm wondering if he was the real McCoy, as it has yet to be delivered, and I've been forced to open a Paypal dispute on that one.

I try comparing all this to my normal Paypal activity: a 15kg sack of probiotic chicken-flavoured dog food, eight full-sized railway sleepers (delivered on a flat bed truck with a crane), a set of heavy duty, sewing machine needles, delivered more conventionally in an envelope, an electric log splitter, and a hand-made bronze snail.] 

[Am beginning to wonder exactly what NotReallyPayPalButPretendingToBe would define as unusual activity?]

"To help protect your account, no one can send money or withdraw money. In addition, no one can close your account, send refunds, remove any bank accounts, or remove credit cards."

[Hey ho, shit happens.] 

[Although I suspect if I go to the random URL I have been given as the official one, to rectify this horrifying blip in my consumerism via Paypal, and fill in the required fields, somehow money will be withdrawn regardless]

[Just a happy guess, you understand....]

"What's next?"

[Well, I could totally ignore your email and carry on my unusual spending habits, happy in the knowledge that I like living amongst, and wearing, the general random tat I have purchased. 

Or...I could follow the link you sent me, and transfer all my hard-earned pennies to you.] 

[Hmmm, let me think about this for a while]

"What's going on?"

[Good question, NotReallyPayPalButPretendingToBe, I could ask you the same question.]

"We're concerned that someone is using your PayPal account without your knowledge. Recent activity on your account seems to have occurred from a suspicious location or under circumstances that may be different than usual."

[Nope, that was definitely me....]

"What to do"

[Yes, indeed, what to do, what to do?! I realise I sound like one of the more fretful middle-aged female characters in a Charles Dickens novel, but I like the dramatic effect it gives to the sentence. I wring my hands, to add something to the part] 

"Log in to your PayPal account as soon as possible. We may ask you to confirm information you provided when you created your account to make sure you're the account holder."

[Wondered when that was coming.]

"You should also do the following for your own protection:

Check your account details (address, email, phone, etc.) to make sure they're accurate."

[Should I re-input them to make sure they are correct so you don't have any problem logging in as me and fleecing me for everything I have, including redirecting my replacement walking socks (snagged the last ones on a goat)?

Or should I add the odd random incorrect letter in there too, to keep you on your thieving toes (and to keep them out of my socks?]

"Review your account activity to make sure you recognise the transactions made recently."

[Socks, check. Chicken flavoured dog food, check. Clanger suit, check. Rugby Club, pending...]

"If you need help or have any questions, call us on 0800 XXXX XXXXXX, 8:00 am - 10:00 pm through Friday, 8:00 am - 9:00 pm Saturday 9:00 am - 9:00 /pm Sunday, For Claims or limitations, hours of service are: 8:00 am - 8:30 pm Monday through Friday 8:00 am - 6:30 pm Saturday 9:00 am - 6:30 pm Sunday."

[Fraud is not a 9 to 5 job, it seems. 

They are still hard at it, while I'm tucked up in bed under the blankies, with my nightly cup of cocoa]

"Report any unknown or unauthorised activity. Go to the Resolution Centre and click Dispute a Transaction."

[NOW I am tempted to respond to your email. I want to know when my replacement non-mauled-by-goat socks will arrive. any ideas?]

"Once you've completed all the tasks, we'll respond within 72 hours."

Yours sincerely,

PayPal"

Security Shenanigans

Friday, 21 February 2014 10.49

M Khan sent me a message that had nothing in it, other than a link that I have no intention of opening.

But the title of his email alone, bestows upon him the privilege of being posted here.

Am wondering if Mr Khan truly understands the meaning of the word shenanigans, and whether it is part of his every day vocabulary.... or did the translation website I'm guessing he used, throw it up randomly and he thought "that sounds good, I'll use that one".

Read ASAP. Important info

Friday, 21 February 2014 05:48

My mate Tim Levine has been in touch.  Well, when I say mate, that’s what he tells me he is, so who am I to doubt him?

His email was suspiciously upbeat, and Tim seems a little too overexcited for someone who is up at 5.48am in the morning, which makes me suspect he’s been smoking something.

“I know you were expecting to hear back from me much earlier but I didn't want to get back to you empty-handed. I finally found the perfect stock for you and I am confident that it will make you some serious profit.”

[I wasn't expecting to hear from you at all actually Tim, but I'm all ears...]

“Remember the one I told you about in November of last year right? “

[Er, in all honesty Tim, no…. I’m beginning to doubt this email is actually for me]

"You did very well on it and I think this PRFC stock will do the same for your portfolio again."

[Yup, definitely not me, my old mate]

"I have to let you know though that I'm not the only one who found out about PRFC today."

[I Googled it - can Tim really be talking about Pershore Rugby Football Club?]

"A few of my colleagues are aware as well and they are telling their friends and family about it so I must advise you to move fast if you want to buy it."

[Not really sure I want to own a rugby club, Tim]

"I think it's trading at just around 15 cents right now, if you wait too long it might be at 30 or even higher and at that time I won't be able to safely advise you to buy it. You can buy as many shares as you can first thing at market open on Friday or worst case scenario buy it on Monday but move fast."

"I know you don't care about what the company does" 

[Not true, I do Tim, I really do. They have Pershore Juniors & Mini's & Pershore Women's Touch Rugby too and they all play at Piddle Park.  

Seriously, there is such a place, I kid you not. And ironically, according to the Club’s news, it’s been too waterlogged to play on….make of that, what you will] 

"because you know I've done all the due diligence for you already but PRFC is actually amazing and I think it will do much better than even the one I told you about a few months ago."

[I'm impressed by Tim's enthusiasm for grass roots sports in rural Worcestershire although still a little doubtful of the investment potential]

"One of the company's divisions offers mobile software solutions for the gaming industry. The mobile apps allow customers to play lottery and other games of chance and skill on their smartphones.

The software is extremely advanced and could be the backbone of all mobile casinos in the future.

It is expected that the US will legalize online gaming in the near future and this could catapult PRFC to new highs however even without that the company's software is extremely valuable in the rest of the world and could become extremely profitable."

[It's an unusual sideline for a local rugby club, Tim... Are you sure you have done your research? Or have you been on your funny cigarettes again?]

"Something big is definitely brewing at the company."

[Hardly surprising, they are a rugby club after all. Probably a few pints of Piddles' Puddle, or Pershore's Old Peculiar or something?] 

"I heard something about buy out rumors but I don't have all the details yet I will keep you posted over the coming days or weeks."

"Anyway I won't bore you with much more blabber, [well, I was yawning a bit through the last bit Tim, but I had hoped you hadn't noticed] but if you have a second do check out PRFC." 

[I did but I'm still not entirely convinced that you have...] 

"By the way I will be expecting a nice gift from you once you make fat bank on this one and a nice dinner with the wives is in order.

[Are you indeed? Some nice cufflinks perhaps? A bottle of vintage Port and some fine cigars? A sense of reality?]  

It's been too long since we last spent a good evening over a bottle of wine. 

[Must have been a very big bottle as I still don't remember you Tim....] 

I was going to call you to tell you about PRFC but I figured youre probably asleep now with those crazy shifts you've been working. Take care and call me if there's anything.

[Yeah, my crazy 9am to 5pm work life. Living on the edge, me.

But in all fairness Tim, had you called me, obviously off your head, at 5.48am to try to persuade me to invest in a small town rugby club, based in the heart of the West Midlands, you may have got short thrift ]

"Talk soon

Your favorite friend and only broker :)"

[Tell you what, don't call me Tim, I'll call you....]

By Request

Friday, 14 February 2014 11:51

The job offers are flooding in now! Which is nice, although somewhat unnecessary as I'm happily employed already. 

But it's difficult to ignore the one from Bernard Garrison as he thinks I would make a "significant contribution to the success of their company", a bold statement if ever I saw one, since Bernard and I have never actually met and I could turn out to be a mad axe wielding maniac, or a horse.

But even better, it appears from the URL he attached, that if I do indeed enrol for an application form, I would in fact actually be working for Winnie the Pooh.

"Dear Sir
Our company is pleased to offer several vacancies. We are sure that you will make a significant contribution to the success of our company. Annual starting salary of $45,000 paid in monthly instalments.

To receive an application form enroll at http://poohbear.km.ua/

Look forward to your answer,

Active Collection Bureau Company

Bernard Garrison"

More information on your application

Monday, 6 August 2018 13:50

Skip the fact that I never applied for it, it's slightly worrying that Heinz Blare, who has just offered me a job (see the following letter), didn't notice when he and his team "scrupulously reviewed" my non-existent application, that I am in fact a girly and should be addressed as such when you are writing to one.

Therefore I immediately took umbrage when Heinz opened his email with  "Dear Sir!"

But worse was to come. 

It appears they have overlooked the fact that I'd make a far better Account Manager than Keith Roy - yesterday's hapless spammer who has yet to learn how to spell his own name.

They write: "This is to inform you that we have scrupulously reviewed your employment application. We cannot offer you the position of the account manager [yeah, 'cause Keith is already in it], but the vacancy of the manager of the sales area is open.
To participate in a competition for the current vacancy, please proceed to filling out a form here www.denise.in.ua/
Respectfully,
Employment Office
Heinz Blare"

So... they insult me further by not only not sacking Keith and giving me the job, but then have the gall to ask me to enter a competition for the other role available.  

To be honest, at second glance Manager of the Sales Area doesn't sound such a great role, anyhoo. 

It's not, afterall Manager of Sales, it's just Manager of the area where the sales are happening. So presumably, a bit of tidying the paper clips here, spot of sweeping up there, maybe emptying the bins, polishing the safe, that sort of thing. 

And to be honest, the Ukraine seems a long way to commute every day, just to make the tea and rearrange a few Post-It notes, for a bunch of salesmen.

Looking for a mistress? Let us help

Thursday, 13 February 2014 13:20

According to Ashley Madison "Every Single Minute a new Woman joins their website looking to have a Discreet Affair."

And "Now we GUARANTEE you WILL will find a new side salad and your current partner WON'T FIND OUT. This is completely 100% RISK FREE. The AshleyMadison Affair Guarantee."

Couple of things wrong with this Ashley, apart from the fact I had just had my lunch when your email arrived so couldn't possibly eat anything else, including the guaranteed side salad you mention.

One, my husband and I share an email Inbox so the likelihood of him FINDING OUT as you shouted to me, is QUITE HIGH and therefore NOT 100% RISK FREE, as you say.

And two, I suspect most people (and note, I am never going to be one of them) who are seeking to have a Discreet Affair would have more nous than to sign up to some random illicit email scheme where they YELL AT YOU TO GET YOUR ATTENTION and then follow it up with a TOTALLY WORTHLESS GUARANTEE THAT MEANS DIDDLY SQUAT.

Anyone joining your website with the above in mind, deserves what they get. Plus a dose of something only a repeat prescription can get rid of. 

End of.