Take Action

Wednesday, 26 Feb 2014 20:19:24

Tonight I received this incredibly urgent message from Paypal, a site I use regularly, which requires me to Take Action. 

"Account status update: Confirm information provided when you created your account."

"Response Required: Upon receipt."

[Ok, no problem, will do.... I do after all, have the intelligence of a brain damaged amoeba plankton and will happily hand my bank details to any passing slimeball who emails me, twenty times a day, under the imaginative guise of being from Paypal.]

"Log in to PayPal to resolve a limitation on your account."

[Doing it right now, obviously. Would hate to go through life with a limitation on my account. It might put a damper on the unusual activities you are about to suggest I have.]

"Recently, there's been activity in your PayPal account that seems unusual compared to your normal account activities. Please log in to PayPal to confirm your identity and update security questions."

[Yep, here we go.] 

[I will happily admit I have purchased two pairs of XXL men's olive green woolly thermal walking socks - I might be a girly but I have enormous flipper feet which get very cold in the Winter months. Ten vintage wine box ends, a jumbo bottle of Omega-3 Icelandic fish oil, and a Baby Clanger outfit, complete with blue string handbag.

So, just your usual bits and bobs.]

[Oh yes, and of course, I forgot, I did buy Pershore Rugby Football Club, (see previous post) after my mate Tim emailed at silly o'clock in the morning last week, to advise me of the investment potential, and yet now I'm wondering if he was the real McCoy, as it has yet to be delivered, and I've been forced to open a Paypal dispute on that one.

I try comparing all this to my normal Paypal activity: a 15kg sack of probiotic chicken-flavoured dog food, eight full-sized railway sleepers (delivered on a flat bed truck with a crane), a set of heavy duty, sewing machine needles, delivered more conventionally in an envelope, an electric log splitter, and a hand-made bronze snail.] 

[Am beginning to wonder exactly what NotReallyPayPalButPretendingToBe would define as unusual activity?]

"To help protect your account, no one can send money or withdraw money. In addition, no one can close your account, send refunds, remove any bank accounts, or remove credit cards."

[Hey ho, shit happens.] 

[Although I suspect if I go to the random URL I have been given as the official one, to rectify this horrifying blip in my consumerism via Paypal, and fill in the required fields, somehow money will be withdrawn regardless]

[Just a happy guess, you understand....]

"What's next?"

[Well, I could totally ignore your email and carry on my unusual spending habits, happy in the knowledge that I like living amongst, and wearing, the general random tat I have purchased. 

Or...I could follow the link you sent me, and transfer all my hard-earned pennies to you.] 

[Hmmm, let me think about this for a while]

"What's going on?"

[Good question, NotReallyPayPalButPretendingToBe, I could ask you the same question.]

"We're concerned that someone is using your PayPal account without your knowledge. Recent activity on your account seems to have occurred from a suspicious location or under circumstances that may be different than usual."

[Nope, that was definitely me....]

"What to do"

[Yes, indeed, what to do, what to do?! I realise I sound like one of the more fretful middle-aged female characters in a Charles Dickens novel, but I like the dramatic effect it gives to the sentence. I wring my hands, to add something to the part] 

"Log in to your PayPal account as soon as possible. We may ask you to confirm information you provided when you created your account to make sure you're the account holder."

[Wondered when that was coming.]

"You should also do the following for your own protection:

Check your account details (address, email, phone, etc.) to make sure they're accurate."

[Should I re-input them to make sure they are correct so you don't have any problem logging in as me and fleecing me for everything I have, including redirecting my replacement walking socks (snagged the last ones on a goat)?

Or should I add the odd random incorrect letter in there too, to keep you on your thieving toes (and to keep them out of my socks?]

"Review your account activity to make sure you recognise the transactions made recently."

[Socks, check. Chicken flavoured dog food, check. Clanger suit, check. Rugby Club, pending...]

"If you need help or have any questions, call us on 0800 XXXX XXXXXX, 8:00 am - 10:00 pm through Friday, 8:00 am - 9:00 pm Saturday 9:00 am - 9:00 /pm Sunday, For Claims or limitations, hours of service are: 8:00 am - 8:30 pm Monday through Friday 8:00 am - 6:30 pm Saturday 9:00 am - 6:30 pm Sunday."

[Fraud is not a 9 to 5 job, it seems. 

They are still hard at it, while I'm tucked up in bed under the blankies, with my nightly cup of cocoa]

"Report any unknown or unauthorised activity. Go to the Resolution Centre and click Dispute a Transaction."

[NOW I am tempted to respond to your email. I want to know when my replacement non-mauled-by-goat socks will arrive. any ideas?]

"Once you've completed all the tasks, we'll respond within 72 hours."

Yours sincerely,

PayPal"